Monsters?! (2016)

            Hello, Paperfans! Paperman is back in action with another story! I do not want to spoil anything for you if you have not read the books about my epic adventures (if this is you, you really should check them out) but suffice it to say that this adventure takes place in an obscure, parallel universe. Don’t ask me how I got there. I think I ate a bad hamburger and did some sleep heroics again. And if you’re wondering what “sleep heroics” are, it’s kind of like sleep walking but much more epic and, as the name states, heroic.

            So I was walking along in this weird, parallel universe, minding my own business, just seeing if anyone needed a hero, when this guy runs past me. He knocks me over and keeps going. It was incredibly rude. So I pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving. As I walk through this open field, the sun is really beating down on me so I start to make my way to this line of trees in the distance. I am not the biggest fan of forests (as you might have gathered from the accounts of my previous adventure (Seriously! If you haven’t read them yet you’re seriously missing out! I’m awesome!)).

            As I make my way into the trees, the shade does a little bit to help with the heat, but I get the strange feeling that I am being watched. My mind immediately jumps to Shadow Vampires. I hate those guys. They are dark, powerful, and super creepy. I thought that they somehow followed me into this universe. I pulled out my razor boomerang and carefully made my way between the trees, sticking to the pockets of sunlight that pierce through the thick canopy of leaves above me.

            Despite my precautions, I cannot shake the feeling that I am being followed. And that’s when it happens. The guy from before runs past me again, but this time I jump out of the way and I extend my leg and trip him. He hit the ground hard and slid. I got a good look at him and see that this guy is lanky, very emaciated, and incredibly pale. He kind of looked like a ghost or one of those emo singers The Writer loves so much. I assumed he was a crazy forest dweller and drew my boomerang just in case he tried to bite me or sell me something.

            As the man stood up I saw that his hair looked like it had not been combed for months and his eyes had a weird shine to them. He looked at me and we locked eyes. It was weird.

“I have been watching you,” the crazy man said. “I normally do not make contact this soon. I would have liked to watch you sleep. But it seems fate has brought us together much sooner.”

            I did not respond. I just stared at him. I was not sure what was happening at this point, but I was just about ready for anything.

“Behold! My true glory!” At this the crazy man jumped into one of the pockets of sunlight and he started to glow, which I thought was pretty cool. But upon closer inspection I realized he was not glowing, he was shining. It looked like his entire body was covered in glitter. Yes, it looked as weird as you think.

“Who in the name of Paperworld are you?” I asked.

“You know,” the glitter man replied.

“I really don’t.”

“Say it,” he said with eager eyes.

I did not respond. I was confused and incredibly weirded out. I was worried this guy was about to eat me or something. He just kept repeating “say it” in a creepy whisper. Just when the moment could not get any more tense, I was saved by a giant ball of fur that ran past me and almost knocked me over. People in that world are incredibly rude and self-absorbed. But after the dog ran past me he tackled the glitter monster and then suddenly changed into a man, who was also shirtless.

“Do people not wear shirts here?!” I asked in disbelief.

            But they did not listen. They started fighting and rolling on the ground. I think they were growling too. Just when I was about to leave again, some girl ran past me and shoved me over. She was also incredibly pale and she was crying. I did not even bother to get up this time. I just pulled myself up enough so I could lean against a tree to rest for a second before I went to a more sane universe.

“Boys, stop! You can’t keep fighting over me! I love you both!”

            At this the two guys separated and stood facing each other with the girl between them.

“How can you love a vampire?” The shirtless guy that used to be a dog said.

“This guy’s a vampire?!” I interrupted, unable to contain myself as I jumped to my feet. “I’ve seen vampires. They are dark, and scary, and they definitely do not cover their bodies in glitter.”

“It’s not glitter,” glitter vampire said, “and I have fangs.”

            As he said this, he lowered his head awkwardly and I am pretty sure he started crying.

“Oh, you’re so sensitive,” the girl said as she rushed to his side to console him.

“I can cry too!” the dog man said as he awkwardly scrunched his face trying to produce tears.

“You’re a terrible actor,” I said.

“It’s because werewolves cannot feel!” the glitter vampire said as he stuck his tongue out and made faces at the werewolf while the girl embraced him.

“Wait!” I interjected again, “you’re a werewolf?!”

“Of course,” the werewolf replied as he flexed his muscles (did I mention these people were really weird and self absorbed?)

“If you’re a werewolf, then how did you turn back into a human so quickly? And how were you a werewolf even when there was no full moon? And how did you still have control over your mind?”

            He looked at me for a second with something of a blank stare. He opened his mouth a few times to answer but then closed it again apparently searching his mind (which I assume was probably a dog brain) for the best answer.

“Because,” he began, “it would be inconvenient if I had to follow those rules.”

“So you’re a shapeshifter?” I asked, noticing that the girl and the vampire had started kissing.

“Hey, come on! I thought you loved me!” dog-man said, completely ignoring me again.

“I do love you, but right now I’m in love with him,” the girl said, coming up for air for a second.

            They continued to argue and cry and make out with each other but I was not listening. I started to make my way out of the forest. As far as I was concerned, monsters in this universe were much scarier than anything I had seen in Paperworld. At least in Paperworld monsters made sense and I could fight them. I mostly just felt sorry for these guys. Being perpetually stuck in puberty, even as a monster, is a cruel fate. As I made my way out of that world and into another I reflected on how fortunate I was to have been drawn into Paperworld and how awesome I really was.